August 23, 2017
KGB Cup teams and matches announced
TERRA ALTA, WV — The 2017 edition of the KGB Cup draft was held Tuesday night via conference call with this year's captains, Alf and Honey. Both captains were honored and excited about being selected to lead teams during this year's event. But they did not seem to understand this is a war. After almost every pick, the opposing captain would say, "Nice pick, wish I had him on my team." This is not a slap and tickle event boys, this is the mother f'ing KGB CUP! Time to put the women and children to bed and go hunting for dinner!
The first order of business was to decide on the colors each team would be representing. Alf decided to stay true to his Cleveland Browns and opted to wear the 2013 Orange with Brown shirts. Honey on the other handed selected the always slimming 2014 Grey with Black shirts. When asked why such recent shirts, Alf replied, "because neither of us have any of the older shirts."
The next order of business was the format. The two captains decided to use a 6/6/6, singles/singles/best ball, format. In this format, there will be 5 matches played. For the first 6 holes, Player A will play Player A, while Player B plays Player B. The middle 6 holes will be Player A versus Player B, and the final 6 holes will be best ball. Match #6 will have two additional singles matches and be worth a total of 7 points, this is due to a threesome on Team Honey's side. All matches will be match play using net scoring. The number of strokes each player receives will be indicated on the official scorecard.
Finally, on to the draft! Honey opened the draft by selecting none other than his favorite man crush, Whitey, this is the Original Whitey, not to be confused with the New Whitey that Honey is bringing this year. Alf quickly followed by selecting the Godfather himself, GStan. When told he was Alf's top pick, GStan responded, "he obviously doesn't know about my back 9 at Blackhawk." The drafting of loozers continued back and forth, compliment after compliment, until only two players remained. It was Alf's pick and rather than deciding who he wanted, he decided who he was going to stick Honey with. So this year's MR. Irrelevant? None other than Chef. Upon hearing the news of his status, Chef?s only comment was, "I've never been on a losing team, so"..?. It seems like the words are getting ready to start.
Once the drafting of players was complete, both captains organized their teams, created pairings and then selected the order in which they wanted to play. Neither side knew the other?s line-up when they submitted their own. So now, to reveal the matches!
Team Alf: Alf/Bro
Team Honey: Whitey/Honey
Outlook: Will any other group rival the number of compliments given out? This group will set the standard for music that echos through the hills of Alpine Lake. Expect some big bombs and a fast pace.
Team Alf: GStan/Spyder
Team Honey: JT/Sheiker
Outlook: This match starts and ends with one word: PATRONE! The winner of this match will probably not be the best golfing team, but the team that can survive the onslaught of Patron. Will GStan stay up past 10PM? Will JT puke, again? Will Sheiker run around in his tighty whities?
Team Alf: Walt/B-Dubs
Team Honey: Hurricane/Randy
Outlook: Team Honey has to hope that Boland is not too busy counting his winnings from the Boland bet that takes place on #1 during the KGB Cup. Will B-Dubs and Walt show up in matching sweater vests?
Team Alf: KGB/Killer
Team Honey: David White/Chef
Outlook: Somehow, the odds are not in favor of KGB being Kinder nor Gentler during this match. At least he does not have to wait 7 holes for his partner to be warmed up and ready to hit his driver.
Team Alf: Sleepy/Monte
Team Honey: Winthorp/Grant
Outlook: WOW! Blind draw match ups and we get Fire VERSUS Ice right out of the gate! The trash talk for this one will start as soon as the New Yorkers hit the road towards Alpine Lake.
Team Alf: John G Davis/Swanky
Team Honey: Quack/Butter/Size10
Outlook: Team Honey is boasting 48 years of experience, that will be tough to overcome for the newcomer. But Swanky once had 48 years, but he got out early for good behavior. Slow and steady wins this race.
Let the games begin!