September 4, 2002

WATERLOO, IL — With less than three weeks remaining before GVI, Founding Father Patch is clinging to 17th place in the Summer On Tour Championship, just ahead of porn veteran and last place participant, Bill Sizetenshoeski.  "Having completed a lengthy 5 month softball season last week, I had aspirations of rekindling that once smooth stroke I developed as a youth at Old Pro Miniature Golf Course in Ocean City, Maryland", Kaniecki sighed.  He quirked, "Three years ago, I was able to find my swing with only one f$#@&%! eye....Now I'm 20/20 out of both eyes and my swing feels like an unfolded lawnchair.  The only place I have not looked is Sokos's posterior.  And I would rather dawn the Green Jacket for a year than get anywhere near that ass."  Scientists have confirmed that the only thing uglier than Patch's backswing is the "back of Sheiker's n#$%."

Kaniecki finished an 18 hole round at The Acorns on Monday with 49-43-92 and followed with an 18 hole scramble on Tuesday that was highlighted by a 40+ foot birdie putt.  "Having made only one putt from outside 40 feet today, I simply accepted that it was not my day."  Nothing short of three weeks with Butch Harmon at the range will place Patch in contention this year.  "I've considered bringing only a 7-iron."

He's even tried some late season conditioning - staying out until 3am last Thursday playing darts.  He recollected, "Back when we had only eight guys and my main competition was Grundo and Cocker, I knew I could simply turn it on when I needed it.  Now, with the likes of Greg Long, Pat Boland and a rejuvenated GStan, I am simply out of my league.  In recent years, I was never good enough to carry a twosome to the Scramble Championship.  But this year, I may be just bad enough."

The Annual Awards Ceremony used to be triumphant peak to Patch's weekends at Golfapalooza.  Now, his only hopes bringing home any hardware will be with the likes of Betty Ford or Sam Gash, honorable as they are.  Feel no pity for Patch though, as he looks to other outlets at GVI for amusement, "I hear that Donkey Kong machine callin' my name from the gameroom."