February 1, 2008

COLUMBUS, OH — Super Dave is supposedly an "accomplished" stuntman. His signature is to perform outrageous daredevil stunts which invariably go awry and result in his grievous injury. His rookie tournament in Michigan ended in grievious injury to his scorecards. It may or may not be more of the same as Super Dave signs to play golf at his second major championship in eastern Indiana.

"I decided to get back to basics with my game after an extremely disappointing showing at my rookie event," said Osborne in a written statement. "I was extremely close to getting the Carl Spackler outfit in Michigan, which scared the bejesus out of me."

Super Dave finished in 58th position with a tournament field of 62 participants. The 13 stroke handicap broke 50 strokes three times during his 8 nine-hole opportunities in Michigan.

Dave added, "In order for me to compete at the Spackler tour level, I need to do a couple of things before the tournament in June: Practice drinking, get longer off the tee, learn how to lag putts longer than my putter on every putt, and get sand game pointers from Chad Long. After watching the Spackler tour pros, I must learn more about scoring on this tour."

Osborne carded seven hockey sticks in tournament play. He also carded three snowmen during the front nine of the final round.

"I am going to room with a rookie tour member instead of member Chad Long this time around," said Super Dave Osborne. "One thing I learned from Chad is that I cannot run with the tour pros. I hope to be paired with Gumby again in the second round to have him help boost my driving distance by a continuous barrage of drill sergeant like directions on the tee."

In other news, another dose of Dave has entered the Indiana tournament field. Dave Lauerhass also signs to play golf in his 2nd major championship.

"This being my 2nd Spackler, I feel that I am ready to stay on the leaderboard past the first day," said Lauerhass in a joint written statement. "I felt it would not be in good favor to win the tournament in my rookie year in respect for the rich history of past winners. I do consider myself a scoring machine. A machine that melts the butter of Brian Flanagan.

I am praying daily that Super Dave Osborne can jump out of the running for the Worst Golfer in Spackler History. After explaining the concept of winning the tournament, it appears he is ready to turn things around.

Lastly, I am hoping and expecting that Chad Long will turnover a new leaf and once again show himself to be a worthy competitor. He looked like a high school punk, played like he was still learning the basics, and scored in passive manner. Hopefully, he has something else in his golf bag this year."

The 2008 Carl Spackler Open Championship begins play at Rock Hollow Golf Club on June 4 with the annual practice round. All golfers are expected to arrive by Wednesday evening for the Welcome Party at Homer's Sports Bar.