July 14, 2018

WATERLOO, IL — Brent "KGB" Kaniecki has certainly never been one to shy away from sharing his opinion, especially when he's the only one who has that opinion. In fact, the rarer or more socially inappropriate his opinion is, the more loudly and adamantly he'll be proclaiming and defending it.

Most of Loozer Nation has embraced the concept of an amateur tournament comprised solely of four-man scramble rounds. Brett Lyme explains, "I feel like I've literally had years added to my life since we've gone to all scrambles. Golfapalooza is an event that, by its very nature, should come with its own Surgeon General warning. It's tough on a body, and there is such a world of difference between three straight days of shooting 130 versus three straight days of shooting 65. All-scrambles is the best thing that's happened to my health since I switched from regular poor-person cigarettes over to Camel Turkish Silvers."

Not every Loozer has fully embraced the concept. We caught up with KGB during one of his regular rounds at Annbriar Golf Course and he was predictably more than candid in front of a microphone. "I work hard every spring and summer, round after round, week after week. I get in about 25 to 50 rounds per year to get my game in top shape for Golfapalooza. And I work even harder at NOT entering any scorecards to make sure my handicap is as inaccurate as possible. I put in too much effort to then go into the oldest and most prestigious tournament in amateur golf and have my handicap and my individual awesomeness watered down into a team handicap and team trophies. I want people to know how good I AM! ME! Like W. T. F.? While you're at it, why don't you just shave my immaculate amazing full head of hair and stuff a pillow under my shirt so I can LOOK LIKE every other Loozer too?!?!"

Fellow Founding Father Eric "GStan" Kaniecki was quick to defend his brother. Actually not really. Kind of not at all. GStan said "I love him as if he were my own brother, but he's just wrong on this. And if he would step back and try to see the forest through the trees, he would see that he is benefiting at least as much, if not more, than any other Loozer in the field by going to all scrambles. We've been watching him at Golfapalooza for 20 years; we all know he's yanking his drive left on 1, left out of bounds on 2, he's good for a couple in the water at 10 and 11 and definitely a couple out of play at 15 and 17. That's a lot of bad shots for which he now more than likely pays no penalty on the scorecard. Hell, he might even take home a BeeSPITWa someday. And if he doesn't, he's still got that great hair."

60 days until the KGB Cup. (Yes that's right, the "KGB" Cup. It is not lost on the author that this guy, complaining about the lack of opportunity to individually show off, is the only Loozer in tournament history to have one whole round named after him. It's probably only a matter of time before that round gets changed to a scramble too #lolsukkit.)