Spyderrrrrrrrrrr: I Cant Afford This Much Patron
August 20, 2021
TERRA ALTA, WV — Anyone who has been to Golfapalooza over the past 11 years has more than likely at some point felt the sting of a Spyderrrrrrrrrrr bite when rolling out of bed. JT Jambone Thomas once quipped the most famous note to self in Golfapalooza history no more patroney following a long night of cornhole with Golfapaloozas deadliest eight-legged veteran.
You will rarely find Ken Spyderrrrrrrrrrr Pagett anywhere at G without a tiny bottle of Patron in his hand. Its really remarkable says Jambone. The guy is like Jesus with the loaves and fishes no offense, Padre but he carries this like 10 ounce bottle of Patron around all week, and its never empty, yet hes pouring non-stop shot after shot for Loozers, many of whom just stupidly have no idea whats about to hit them. Youll never catch him refilling that bottle, and you probably wont see him coming to offer you a shot until its too late because hes like a ninja too!
A Patron-wielding ninja Jesus? Hmmmm that might finally be a deity I can believe in offered GStan. No offense, Padre! Anyway, Ive been bitten more than my fair share all my KGB Cup Captains seem to think it is a good idea to put me in the same group with Spyderrrrrrrrrrr, and to boot, Spyderrrrrrrrrrr knows I just cant say no to him, like yer mom. I dont know who can really.
GStan continued on. One of two things is gonna happen to you either, one, he walks up to you slowly, already holding out the bottle and a shot glass, or two, you turn around to see hes just been standing behind you holding the bottle out, patiently waiting for you to see him. And hes always got that dumb, innocent, gleeful grin on his face. He looks like your 4-year-old about to show you the worst looking piece of artwork youve ever seen, and are you gonna tell him no, that sux, were not hanging that sh*t on the fridge? Nope, youre not gonna steal his innocent joy youre gonna go ahead and throw back a shot of that horrendous crayon drawing and tell him how much you love him. Thats how you get Spyderrrrrrrrrrr bitten in a nutshell. Anyway, I think Ive been bitten so many times that Ive built up a natural immunity it takes a lot of venom to affect me these days.
But enough about the victims this reporter actually talked to the perpetrator. (And of course as I sat down with him for a brief interview at the Ill Mannered Brewing Company, he offered me a shot of Patron. Yes I drank it.) Well first Spyderrrrrrrrrrr began, I will never reveal my secrets on how a 10 oz bottle of Patron remains bottomless and keeps the multitudes drunk and bitten I can tell you though that Im not Jesus, although sometimes yer mom calls me that in the heat of passion no offense, Padre. I do actually have to buy all the Patron that keeps that 10 oz bottle bottomless and that stuff is not cheap. Weve got 44 Loozers coming this year and I want to bite all of them thats a serious financial planning decision in my life, especially since my first born is just starting college this year. What I think Im gonna do is turn that negative into a positive we werent going to take out any student loans, but my daughter has agreed that well take out the maximum amount for freshman year, spend all of it on Patron, and Ill take half of it to G and bite Loozers; she can take the other half to her dorm and bite freshman. And the best part is, we dont have to worry about paying any of it back until nine months after graduation. Its win-win.
Spyderrrrrrrrrrr continued on after our third shot of Patron in 12 minutes. If I may, I wanna use this interview partly as a public service announcement: I would like to correct the record on some misinformation thats out on the internet Patron does NOT kill Covid being Spyderrrrrrrrrrr-bitten does often make one wish they just had Covid instead. But if you want to prevent Covid, you should get vaccinated. And if you want to prevent Spyderrrrrrrrrrr-bites? Well, good luck with that. 26 days until you are ALL caught in my web. Cant wait!